This morning i woke up, and the first thing i saw is my phone light up a text from my dad saying, “My dad died…” Thats when my breakdown begin, and my first reaction was to call my dad. So i did, and i heard him cry on the phone. My dad and Gramps were so close. It was hard, and I woke my sister up and told her, and then I told Mom. It was terrible. I almost feel empty, i couldnt be on California for my family. He taught me so much though, he taught me the importance of letting God into your life, and he showed me how he dedicated every single day of his life to God. He was such a goody guy, he helped so many people. I know so many people looked up to him, he had a great heart. He’s the reason my whole family is even over here. He was the person we all looked up to, and know thats gone. I wish I knew what to do, but I know he’s looking down at us and he would want us to be happy. I feel terrible though, and all day ive been faking this smile and its the fakest its ever been. I remember when I went to see him last time, we gave him a surprise visit. He saw me, and he suddenly started crying. He took my hand, and he was on his bed and thats the weakest ive ever seen him. I looked up to him, and before he would literally walk everywhere by himself and to see him in that condition was painful. He loved family reunions, where we would all sit together and be happy. Those will never be the same. I remember the ways us kids would always mess with him, and it would be so funny and I’m going to miss it so much. The way everytime i visited him, he always gave me exactly 21 dollars. He always went to India to help the people there, he didnt even have to. He always solved family problems. He was always the person to go to. One time he came over, and he loved watching historical movies. He was watching Troy, and Lord of The Rings and they were both in English, and even if he didn’t understand anything he sat there and watched every single second of both of those movies. What hurts me the most though, is that his death was slow and painful. He deserved to get rid of the pain, and its so wrong to say this but i’m glad he’s out of his suffering, and i hope one day i make him proud. He was such a good person, and know he’s up there with my Grandma. Gosh, I miss him so much. So at 2:30 A.M on May 4th I lost my Gramps. And at 6:10 A.M I found out. And at 6:15 A.M i called my dad. And this whole day was full of fake smiles, and to think not one person knew is sad. But its okay, humbleness is key. He mattered to me, so in my eyes he will always be the greatest person i knew. And this loss, is tragedy.
Track has been amazing, it’s one of the few things that keep me sane. But my goal this year was to qualify for state, to get a 2:40 on my 800. Even though that’s not good enough for state, and I wouldn’t be happy with that, I would be almost satisfied. The thing is, I’ve been working on this since December. I have been running my ass off, I have been wanting to reach my goal for so long. And state meet is less then four weeks away, and my time in the 800 is 2:44. I am so close, but four seconds means so much. Im so far into the season to just quit, and I don’t want to but I’m kind of losing here. I did something to my hip, and so I can’t run as well. It could be dislocated, fractured or something more simple like muscle growing. I’m not sure, but I’m stuck here waiting for it freaking heal so I can go out there and prove myself wrong, I am brave. I don’t know where I went wrong, but I want this bad. I pray it goes away, but is that enough? Will a prayer take this away? Will I be enough for track season this year? Or is what I’m bringing, and all my dedication just not good enough? See, the thing with me I set my mind to win. I have to win. This is the moment I have been waiting all year for, and now its here and im injured. I’m stuck, and even though it’s not a crisis, its the biggest one in my head. Really, I just want to run.
I can’t help but frown at relationships that rely on sex, and money, and gifts. Relationships aren’t about what you’re getting, at all. You can’t be selfish in a relationship. Sure, it would be amazing to get something for your anniversary or have sex and go spend money and take your girl out, but when it comes down to it, it’s who you are that really matters. Not what you’re doing, don’t let them fall in love for what you do, but instead make sure they love you because they know there is no one out there like you. Because anyone could buy you gifts, but no one could give you that comfort you get when your special someone is around. Anyone could have sex, but it would never be as magical as it is with that one person. Let them love you, and stop expecting so much out of it. Don’t get me wrong though, I totally agree that you guys should go out to eat, have sex, and buy each other stuff just don’t rely on things like that to keep the relationship going. Only you know if its working or not, and only you know if someone’s taking advantage of you the thing is you need to realize it before you’re to attached. Don’t get used to presents, sex, and stuff like that, base a relationship on love not material things. And plus youre giving so much when you have sex, I mean its not an everyday thing to say, ‘Hey I lost my virginity to ________.’ But the one time you do get to say it make sure youre proud of it, because it is a decison YOU made. Unless you were raped and in that case im sorry. Just you know, make sure youre proud of who you are. Think twice before giving something away, something so valuable deserves to wait until you are so damn sure the feeling is love and it is mutual.
I hate change. Why do things even change? I finally settle down, and get used to the way things are and suddenly they change. Time changes. People change. I change. You change. I mean, I guess life would be boring without change. But sometimes when I go to sleep with the biggest smile on my face, because I had a great day, I don’t want that to change. I want it to be there forever. Being happy forever can’t be a good thing, but being happy means looking past all the bullshit in your life and seeing better days. And in that case, I’m a happy person. I’ve got a lot to complain and worry about, but I cant sit here all day and complain and worry, I’ve got to do something about it. Sitting back all day literally does you no good, I mean physically it does you no good. Personally, I think being alone helps me get my thoughts together but I can’t do that all day, that leads to depression. I have to be balanced, and so do you. It’s crucial to have that balance. When you catch yourself in a situation where you know you’re worrying far to much, stop yourself. It isn’t easy, but distract yourself by doing things and keeping yourself busy. Thats what I do, I start cleaning my house haha, but I mean you could listen to music, take pictures, go on a walk, and a lot more. You need to keep a good grasp on your thoughts, before they take over.
I actually havent written in a while, wow.
Lately, things have been going good. Everything’s just great, and I’m not used to it but i can’t lie, its a great feeling to be happy with the way things are for once. I guess I’m finally getting things together, or maybe I’ve got a new way of looking at things. I’m not sure what it is, maybe it’s my friends, maybe it’s Jason, maybe it’s me, and maybe it’s that I’m finally beginning to figure myself out. I feel like I’ve gotten older, and that it is now time to start caring about my future and where it’s going. I was at McDonalds yesterday, and I saw this old guy working there, you know the usual cleaning tables, sweeping floors. I thought about it though, in all respect that’s not where i want to be when i’m eighty years old. I don’t want to be flipping burgers, or mopping floors like that old guy was yesterday. I want to have choices when i’m older, if i am financially struggling my knowledge and things i do today will help me out, and it will allow me to not be in a situation where i do have to mop floors. That’s what keeps me going, the fear of failure is my greatest motivation. Also, I had a teacher who told me I would be living that type of life when i was older, that my life was going to be a failure. If there’s one thing that I love doing, it’s proving people wrong. It makes me strive, she can’t tell me what i can’t do. When I’m being paid more then her, i’ll go back and remind her, and i’ll show her how wrong she was. See, I want to save lives for a living. Go into the medical field, and hell i know its hard. But i’ve got my mindset. I know i can do this, there is absolutely no room for failure. It’s amazing how many people i’ve kicked out of my life because they distract me from my one goal, which is being successful. That’s really all i want. I’m not going to be distracted, or give up on this dream. I want it, so i’ll work for it.
Maybe everything in my life isn’t going right, maybe I don’t have everything, and maybe I do go to sleep crying sometimes. You know what I’ve learned from it though, it will get me nowhere if I sit here and worry about it. I will get nowhere if I just be sad about things that I can’t control. I can’t waste time, I don’t have time anymore to sit and evaluate the ‘shitty’ part of my life. Isn’t that what I’ve always done? I’m right back where I started, which is nowhere. I’m gonna start living, because there’s no point dreading what’s done already. I have a life, and I can’t be distracted. Ive got to get far, and I’ve got to look at the good things I have. And you know, I never thought I’d say this but I have people in my life, that I can count on. I have a boyfriend who does everything to make sure I’m happy, who goes out of his way to make sure I’m alright, who makes me feel like a million bucks when I know I’m not. He’s my bestfriend. He boosted up my confidence, he made me believe in things I lost hope in. And because of him, I’m a happier person. Ive got friends who cheer me up, who I can go to about anything. I trust them, and you know so fucking what if I don’t have many, I don’t need many. I trust the few I have. I’ve got a roof over my head, I’ve got breath filling my lungs with life, I’ve got food, I’ve got so many things. What the hell am I complaining about? I need to be happy with what I have, and stop complaining about what I don’t. You can’t have everything, you’ve gotta work for it. But when you do have it, appreciate it because as quickly as you get it, it could be taken away. The fun of it all? You never know when it’s going to be gone. So now, this is me appreciating everything. Literally, even the little things. It’s time to grow up, and take bigger steps.
Sometimes shit gets rough, and hell i know it does because trust me when i say i have felt pain, not the one where you are bleeding but the hidden pain. I have woken up in the middle of the night, freaking out because of it. It has scarred me, it has gotten to the point where i didnt know if this was what i wanted, did i really need to live? Did i even have something to call my own? I mean, who even noticed me? I felt invisible. No one saw my smeared makeup, and my broken laugh. Not one person. Why did i keep going, and why am i still living? Nothing even made sense, i had to force myself to freaking breathe. And every breath i took, that in itself became a miracle. I was afraid of myself. I was afraid of everything. Know what? I got through it. Really, being only fourteen ive gone through quiet a bit. It’s not an excuse though, just because you have a horrible surrounding, doesnt exactly mean you have a horrible life. You have to teach yourself how to be stronger, and its something you have to learn the hard way. I hated myself for the longest time, but now im proud of who i am. Why? Because i picked myself up, just like you should. Dont let something get in your way, make goals and freaking go get them. Do everything in your power to live the life youve wanted to live. Things will always try to get you down, people will always kill to see you fall, thank those people. Theyre the ones making you strong. I know things get pretty shitty, and hell i was unisnspired for the longest time but theres somethings we just have to do on our own. You just have to want it, and i promise it will happen. You will smile again, you will eventually allow yourself to be happy. Sometimes i need days where i just sit alone, all day and think about things. I have to get my priorties straight. Who am i trying to please when i wake up two hours early? Do i really need to go out of my way to make someone happy? Am i living for someone else? Am i happy, or am i depending on someone to make me happy? Whats important in my life and whats trying to get in between me and my dreams? You have to learn to let go of obstacles that get in your way. That make you sad, and being around sad things will make you a sadder person all around. Dont do that to yourself. Pick yourself up off the floor and stop depending on someone to do it for you. Be happy on your own, and be happy with yourself. Breathe, and dont let todays struggle effect tomorrow. Take each day at a time, it will be okay. I promise you it will. Im here for you, it might not mean alot but i am. Im proud of you.
People see death as sad, and miserable, and they fear it. I mean, i don’t fear death i don’t think dying is scary at all. Its just the absence of life, i feel stupid for saying that but it is. Its just like going to sleep, that second before you go to sleep and you know you’re going to get the best sleep ever, that peaceful moment that nice and calm moment, i imagine death being like that. Nothing to fear, i think that’s why i i love risking my life. One day, i just want to stand on the edge of a really tall building and look down I’ve done it before, but that feels amazing. Knowing in one simple push, in one tiny mistake my life wouldn’t be in my hands anymore. Gravity would take over. In anything really, driving down the round and you make one bad turn, and boom you’re done. Not look left or right down the street, even if you do all the time and that one time you forget to, and bam the life that you had such good grip on is suddenly in the hands of a stranger. Death is ironic, it isn’t expected whatsoever. Lets face it, death is everywhere we just don’t see it. I think that’s why so many people are scared of it, but not knowing when i am going to die just makes me want to live to my fullest, and live for something; if anything. Don’t get me wrong though, i don’t plan to do something good because i could possibly die the next minute, i do good things because when i do die i don’t want to be remembered as that girl who didn’t do shit her whole life. No one does, i want to be remembered as the girl who would always smile even when she had nothing good coming her way. The one who cared, even when she didn’t have to. I don’t know a lot, but before i do die i want someone to say that i helped them change for the better. I want to be the good part, of a bad story. I’m not going to lie, i do try my best to help people, whether i should or i shouldn’t, people need support and they don’t get it i think that’s my reason for living, to give hope. I want to be light, in someones dark room. The satisfaction of helping someone get past something bad, and in the end ill be a part of their story.
If I could, I’d travel the world. Id spend a month in every town, discovering new cultures and ways to live. I’d try different foods, and meet new people. After I got to know the new people, I’d leave to meet even more new people. I’d go to ugly places in the world too, because the ugliest places hide the most beautiful people. I mean, just imagine how amazing that would be. Trying new food, new cultures, new ways to live. You’d experience it, wouldn’t that be so cool? Waking up everyday facing a new lifestyle. Having to get used to it also. That’s why it bothers me that we only get to live so long, and how people commit suicide. There’s so much to live for, if you would just give life a chance to prove itself to you. Make dreams, if you think have nothing to live for, make a dream and live for it. You think sometimes that you can’t do things, but really when you were little and a teacher, or a grown up told you, you could be anything you wanted to be they weren’t kidding. You really can, just be determined. Sometimes you lose hope, and darling I swear we all do everyone hits rock bottom at some point but take it more positively, because when you hit rock bottom you can’t go any lower, so why not go higher? And I mean, it’s not easy but that doesn’t mean you can’t. If I want to be president, I can. If I want to be an astronaut, I can. I can do anything, and it blows my mind. And I really do mean ANYTHING. So lead your life, make a dream and go at it. Nothing can stop you, and I mean nothing. Don’t let your dreams go, make sure have a good grip because people who aren’t as determined as you, the people whose dreams get shattered, they try to break yours. Don’t let them, never give up your dreams. When people fail they want people to fail with them, but that’s not okay. Just like in class, if the whole class fails you feel better. But that still doesn’t make it okay. People don’t want to be alone, they want someone to join them in their misery. Just because you’re surrounded by people who have never lived the dream, that they still dream of every night, and the people who remind you how you will never achieve or get the one thing you would die for, live to prove them wrong. Show them that dreams do come true, you know they do. And just because they can’t live their dream, just because they failed at living, doesn’t mean you can’t. Can’t and didn’t are two different things. Just because you don’t do something, doesn’t mean you can’t, it just means you haven’t yet. And that means you can do it; be determined. Don’t stop when you get tired, because promise you the best things don’t come easy stop when you’re done. Follow your gut feelings, and sure someone can give you advice on stuff but really, they need to realize sometime we have to learn things by ourselves. The last steps we take in life, are by ourselves. If we can help eachother be more independent, life would be easier. Everyone depends on something. Somebody does your test, does your homework, picks you up when you fall. What happens when they’re gone? We have to worry about ourselves. In the end we are all we have, so it’s not fair to depend on someone. And it’s not fair to be depended on. We can’t always dedicate our help to someone, and let’s face it we are all basically alone in this world. Learn to take care of yourself, and be happy with yourself before you depend on someone else to do that for you. You need to be independent. Put yourself on your two feet, teach yourself to walk, and take babysteps and you should be alright. You’ll fall, but we all do. There’s something’s in life that were meant for us to learn on our own. We have to worry about ourselves first. It’s not selfish all the time, how can someone expect you to help them when you need help yourself? Were all going through hard times equally, and before we help someone let’s try to fix ourselves. Some people have it harder than others, and some have it easier but we all feel pain. All of us do. And once we deal with our own problems, we can maybe help someone else. Like me, I’ve dealt with pain I’ve been through valleys of depression, ive taught myself how to cope with millions of emotions rushing at me where sometimes I didn’t know if I was living, it got to the point where I doubted I was alive. That’s bad, but as of now im okay. I’m not sad. I’m happy. And sometimes I think I’m the only one who truly is happy, really I do. Okay yeah, I get sad at times but being happy doesn’t mean you’re 24/7 happy. It’s not happy hour every hour the day, I do get sad. Being happy is having every emotion, (sadness, guilt, jealousy, madness, happiness etc..) and overcoming those emotions, and seeing a better day. It’s about facing all your problems and fears head on, and seeing the light in the tunnel. And the darker the tunnel, the easier it is to see the light. Thats a really good quote, it explains itself. Happiness isn’t about always laughing or smiling it’s about having hope and faith and seeing that light at the end of the tunnel. Realizing that shit passes and there are better days. Being happy is not about giving up, and being happy gets hard because we doubt it. I doubt it all the fucking time. All the time. But at the end of the day, I’m okay. Moods like this where I know anythings possible. People give me compliments all the time, I know I’m okay looking, I’m sorta healthy but one thing people don’t see is my mind. That’s something I’ll always brag about, I just think alot. That leads to depression but fuck that, I’m happy. Im strong. Im nice. Im okay. Im alive. I have a chance at life. I wish people could have my mind, It’s so comforting. I’ve helped alot of people, I’ve made people cry from happiness, ive saved two lives, I’ve showed people the light, and ive been that little light of hope in some people’s life. This is what makes me a stronger person, I’ve heard stroies that people go through he’ll where waking up is doubtful, and being alive in itself is scary. And those same people who told me their story stand up and smile. Helping someone is probably the best thing ive ever done, it strengthens you. Nothing could break me because I’ve seen broken people come together. That’s my hope for better days. Basically though shit gets better, and I know it does no matter how dark the tunnel just remember it does.
I think sometimes we have to choose between two good things. I mean, really we always do. It could be simple, like picking drinks, or if could be more complicated, like having choices in things you love. People you love. How are you supposed to pick who you love more? You obviously can’t without seriously pissing someone off, and sometimes you have to choose whether to make yourself happy, or make someone else happy. Being me, I’ve always wanted to make someone else happy. And I mean that, even in my darkest days I would much rather see a smile on someone else’s face, rather than mine. There’s really nothing to it, I’ve just always chosen that. And thats how I was brought up, but lately thats been really hard. I’m not gonna lie, ive had to pick between tough things. You can’t make everyone happy, so there’s really no safe route. But you know what I learned? And don’t call me selfish, but I should do what makes me happy. I deserve to, don’t I? Why should i be sad, because someone doesn’t know how to be happy? Why should I have to choose between two things that mean the world to me? Can’t we all just be happy. It doesn’t have to be as hard as people make it. People just tend to complicate shit, that seriously doesn’t need complicating. So when it comes to choosing now, I’m just gonna start doing what makes me happy, im gonna be around people who make me happy, and I don’t think that’s selfish. Everyonce in a while, we need to treat ourselves. I say fuck all the shit you’ve gotta choose from, an just be happy. Don’t worry about things that don’t need worrying, don’t cry about things that have already been cried about. Get over it, and life moves on and so should you. See, you spend so much time just sitting thinking about it, just fuck it all.
I don’t know what my problem is, but I know I have one. Its almost like I’m sick all the time, and I mean I’m not. I’ve got every reason, and I’ve got every right to be happy but I forgot how sometimes. I became so used to being sad, so used to crying, so used to being let down and having to say goodbye. I almost fear being happy in a way, like I don’t deserve it. I’m not good enough for anything, and i don’t deserve everything I have. I want it, and I’m glad I have it and I definitely don’t want to lose it. But it’s to the point if I did, it wouldn’t surprise me. If someone were to walk out of my life, I’d understand. Everyone has walked out on me, and it’s made me into who I am today. I’m not sure I like who I am, I like that I come off as strong but I’m insecure and I play strong, and I deny it all the time. I know who I am though, I know the feeling I get when I wake, and I suddenly just don’t want to live anymore. I get scared, and i crumble up at the thoughts sometimes, I’m not anything. I feel like nothing sometimes, and I do nothing but try to convince myself that I’m worth it. But that is so hard, when I gave up on myself years ago, and with everyone giving up on me there’s really not much left. I’m just alive, I’m not living.
There’s people who always complain about how fucked up their life is. Why? Well, because their bestfriend is spreading shit about them. Their one week boyfriend broke up with them. They’re sad that they got grounded, for fucking shit up at school. But really, that’s stupid. I see people sad all the time, but if you would just stop and think and look at yourself you might just learn to appreciate what you have. A roof over your head, you’re so lucky. I’ve seen the people who survive on those streets, it’s got to be scary. Could you imagine living on the streets of a busy city? Heck no. People with serious diseases. They have to find the money, they fight SERIOUS shit everyday, and some of them have no support. Could you do that? No, because you’re so dependent on little things. Sometimes, I think i have it hard. And maybe I have it a little more then people I know, let’s see what I’ve gone through since I was a kid. Gah, well my first year my mom sent me to india, my parents didn’t want me. So I was sent away, but I came back. I went through rough memories when I came back, my mom and dad didn’t get along and I grew up watching them fight. Some of those nights ended in bruises and tears, but that doesn’t mean i didn’t have a good childhood. I remember being really close to my dad and my brother as a kid, playing together, random beach trips, learning to ride my bike, learning to swim all that good stuff. But if I could go back, and relive my early years I would. But when I think of my childhood, I should be thinking about the good things but I don’t. I remember the bad more then the good, maybe because I had more of the bad. I remember once on my birthday, my parents got in a huge fight. We were about to celebrate my birthday and I was so excited, and then they started fighting and ruined it for me. That was my seventh birthday. Also, when I was little I’d sometimes wake up listening to them fight. I think that’s what makes me want to be an amazing parent, I will love my kids more then anything. And I won’t be with someone who makes my kids feel like I did, that one time I went downstairs in the middle of the night and saw my mom cry. That’s the hardest thing to watch, no matter how much you dislike your mom, it’s never easy to watch the person who carried you for ten months fall apart. Anyways, that’s only one thing that’s kind of got to me growing up. It’s the side I fear to become. Also, growing up ive been sexually abused. That’s one of the things about my past, I’ve learned to accept it. I never open up about it anymore, but I remember the first time I did I wasn’t accepted. I always feel dirty though, even nowadays. Sometimes I’ll take thousands of showers per day to rid the feeling. I’ll wake up sometimes and cry. It’s deff. One the hardest things I went through, and I wish I could forget it. I think that’s one more reason I fear being alone with guys. It scares me, and I crumble up inside. Before, I wouldn’t hug any guy I was that scared. I’ve gotten better, but its something I still battle today but in my own way now. I haven’t told anyone but a few good friends. I used to be depressed and afraid God wouldn’t except me, but I think he would now it’s not like I wanted to. It wasn’t my fault, no matter how much I blame myself. But I’ve finally started to become who I want to be, and sometimes it feels like it isn’t enough, and that I have it hard. But really I don’t, not as hard as other people. I’m another teenager, with a past. I’ve got a future, and I struggle on my path to get there. I study my butt off, I work hard, I do my work, and i have fun. And really, even if i do cry when I go to sleep sometimes, I’m alive. You are alive. Wehaveapulse. And we should fucking celebrate, because we are so damn lucky.
We went to TGI Fridays, and I wasn’t hungry but everyone else ate. It was me rach, and Brit and jay. And he sat next to me, and we got the coring books and we were coloring together. It was cute, and he kept tickling me and messing around with me. I liked it though, and then we were holding hands. It was so cute, and he paid for me. I had a drink, and it was nice of him. I didn’t know I was going there so I didn’t bring anything. But anyways, then we went to old navy. He was holding my hand walking there, I don’t know why but I love holding his hand. It’s soft, and I don’t know I like it. And then when we got to old navy, I took him to the kid section and me and my girls were trying on the kid clothes. Haha it was funny, and then when we were walking he disappeared Into one of those changing rooms. I had no idea, and I was like hey, where’d you go. And he pulls me in, and hugs me. It was quiet for about ten seconds, but it wasn’t awkward. It was the respectable silence, you know? And he looks down, and he’s like Do you want to make me the luckiest man in the world, and be my girlfriend? I was surprised, I knew it was coming I just didn’t know it’d be tonight. So I’m hugging him, and I was like …yeah. And he kisses me, and I kiss him and we kiss. It was great, and then we walk out and were holding hands and being cute. And then we all go to rue21, and our song was playing when we walked in. I’d rather be with you, by Joshua radin. And he holds me when that happens, and really it was dreamlike. And when we’re in the store, I’m being so girly and I’m calling everything cute. And I was looking at this one necklace, and I said it was cute and he said it was. It said ‘lovely’ on it, and you know that song she is love, by parachute? It’s one of our songs too. And anyways, he started looking at the bracelets, and I was with the girls getting ready to leave and I’m waiting on him. And he grabs the necklace and the earrings I called cute, and gets them but I had no idea he did that. And then we went to target, when we’re walking there he was throwing change on the ground. I thought that was cute, I asked him why and he said because people get so happy when they find change on the ground. He is so perfect. And when we were in target we were walking around, and he pulls out the rue21 bag, and he gets the necklace that says lovely and puts it on me. I had no idea he did that, he’s so nice to me. And I hugged him, and I kissed him. He’s so freaking nice. And then we were holding hands walking around the baby section and I was like you know, people probably think I’m pregnet walking around here with you. Hahah. And he starts looking at baby clothes, and says really loud, Yeah, so erm what about this for Bert?! And everyone looks at me, it was so funnnny. I love being stupid with him, and I love how it’s okay. One time we were walking, he stops takes my hand and kisses it. Isn’t that sweet? Just things like that. He didn’t have to do anything, but he did. And he kept kissing my forehead. I feel like this time, it will work. He makes me happy, and right now he’s the one thing real.
Alright, you know when somethings so good it feels like a dream? That’s where I am, everything is perfect. It’s not, but everything feels fine for once. Im settling in some way, and I’m so happy I am. He makes everything feel okay, and I’ve talked to alot of guys but he’s really different. I don’t have doubts in my mind, like I did in the past. I don’t always have to go out of my way, like I used to. I don’t have to go to sleep wondering if this will work or not. I know it will, and maybe it won’t last forever. I’m not thinking forever though, I’m thinking right now. I make him happy, he makes me happy. That’s what matters. He’s most definitely the sweetest guy ever, I mean for so long I believed I was done. It took three heartbreaks for this, and even if it hurt this was worth it. He’s really all I’ve got sometimes, and I like it because we’re not always talking about him, or always talking about me we can talk about anything. That’s really important. I love waking up and seeing he texted me, and going to sleep knowing I was the person he talked to last. I sound so crazy, and maybe I am. I don’t care though, I’m a lucky girl. I don’t want to mess this up. He understands me too, he knows where I come from he knows I’m afraid, and I usually don’t open up about it as much as I should, but it’s okay with him. He looks at things differently, and better than me. I should be with someone that makes me want to be a better person, right? He does. He makes me want to be free, he makes me want to keep doing better, and every-time I’m with him I don’t feel the need to have to impress him. It’s just amazing, he sends me long cute messages, and we get into deep conversations and everything. He’s such a sweetheart, and he denies it. That silly boy. Hahah, he could do better than me. I’m another girl, and I’m such a lucky one. Somehow, I’m glad I had three bad relationships that Made me loose hope. I remember after my second bad relation, I was talking to him about it and he understood. He barley knew me then, this was like when? In octoberish? Yeah, so I’ve always liked the fact he’s always been here to talk to me. Even after the third one, he made sure I was okay. That was amazing, because literally all my friends weren’t here for me that night and he was. He sent me a message about how I shouldn’t loose hope, and I locked it. I still have it but this is before we were talking. I haven’t stopped smiling since I met him, I’m so lucky. I’m so lucky. I’m so lucky(:
One of the best nights ever. I went to a Matt Kearney concert, and the concert was great. I didn’t really know him, but I went anyways. I went with him, and we were on the balcony together. So when Matt comes out I’m tapping to the beat and everything, and he puts his hand around me. And the whole time he was holding me and I was holding him. I laid my head in his shoulder, and whenever a good song with a good beat and rhythm came on we would dance slowly. It was really cute, and out of nowhere he looks down at me and kisses my forehead. I was like awh, I don’t think I’ve held anyone longer than I held him tonight. It was lovely just being with him, knowing he was mine. I didn’t want to let go, I felt safe and protected in his arms. But the concert did end, and after the concert we went out to eat at Ihop. it was so funny, he sat next to me and then it was Brittany and then my coach and brittanys dad. Like, it was actually really fun they are the coolest people. But we had like a spit ball fight me and jay, and it was so funny. And then he locked his leg around mine, and he tickled me so i pulled his leg hair. It was so funny, because he couldn’t yell. So he’d sit there and his face got red, I was like awh I’m sorry. Hahaha, then I stopped cause I felt bad! But we were all talking and eating and it was like one in the morning! Haha, and I sound crazy but I’ve been smiling so much tonight. And then we had to go, and so he gave me a hug and that was it. I’m glad I haven’t kissed him yet, because I’ll feel easy. I’m gonna make him wait.(; Haha, and then I fell asleep in the car, and when I woke up i realized he texted me saying that he had the best night ever.(: He’s such a sweeetheart, I’m so lucky. I’m so so so lucky.(:
